i woke up this morning hoping that it was just a dream.
however, its not no matter how much i wanted it to be.
i was thinking is it for real ??
the reality just hit me again .
its a fact and cannot be change.
i have to learn to accept it.
what can i do is look forward and concentrate on the future and do better next time.
but still, i feel so disappointed and angry with myself.
what went wrong ?
everything went wrong.
i dont know how to face it again in the future.





bye

im such a big failure .

(fullstop)

IM SO EMO

dear bloggie,,

im feeling so emo right now. i dont know why. i wanted say something but i cant. too private already. but somehow i wanted say it out loud. im so tired of this already. and i wont cry about it any more. its so confusing. im so confuse. i dont know what's in my mind. i feel so lost. i wanted to run and escape from everything but i cant. i have to be strong and face it. im a grown up girl already. no more running away from things and problems.

big sigh. seriously. i really feel emo right now. nothing can make my mood feels better. even IF sulee give me a very big gift from london, nothing gonna change. HAHA. ( hint for u, subulee. HAHA )

18 years of living and i have not accomplished much that I can be proud of. i always think that i grow up too fast but i mature too slow. when u know me, u will know that im a very immature biatch kononnya act independent and baik hati but actually im not. i dont know. im not proud of who i am today. i always do actions that harm and hurt my people surround me. i think i burden people's life too much also. especially my family and friends. there's nothing that i do in the past 18 years make me proud of who i am. im not happy with who i am. im wanting to change but somehow, something held me to be who i am always. i tend to do stupid things and i never seems to get why. my thinking is always impaired at all time. i dont think i appreciate myself and my life like how the others do. i think i've wasted my life. and sometimes, i think i being too selfish till i end up harming myself. i feel like running away from myself. myself is harming me too much already. and i think i gonna be psychotic biatch locked in tanjung rambutan plucking flowers petals saying he loves me, he loves me not. seriously. that's what im imagine right now.

i dont know. im feeling so emo. something make me emo. and i feel stupid. again. my stupidity is shown to the whole world.

u've seen another stupidity from me.

bye.

random post

dear bloggie,,

its already 2.40 am. and im still awake. i dont know why am i dont feel like sleeping. i do feel like sleepy and tired also but i dont know. something held me awake.

i dont know how to say this but i feel worry. too many thoughts in my brain now. well, i cant really say what's it about but im feeling worry. i dont know why am i worry and i hope i can stop worry. there's no point of worrying also right ? i dont know. but im feeling curious and worry sick !! i dont know.

ok. hols going to end soon in few days. i suddenly cant wait to get back to uniten. i dont know why. the few days before im like not wanting to go back at all. i know im weird. i always change my mind. maybe later a few days i will say i dont want the hols to end. blablabla. all those shit that i usually crap la. i cant wait to get a fresh kick start. and this sem, seriously, i wont be such a lazy bump any more. i will start to wash my clothes instead of bringing back to wash, wake on my own, do all the tutorial ques and WONT SKIP CLASS !!

suddenly im wondering. how come my post always long. i suddenly feel pity the my blog reader. have to menderita read so long. i also tak sangka that i can write that long. im not aware also that im crapping that much.

i suddenly feel blank. im not really in the mood to blog right now. there's too much in my brain. but not the things that i can say out loud. and i also dont even know whats in my brain. i just feel like my brain is thinking hard right now. yea i know. im weird.

im such a weirdo. bye.

in the crappy mood

dear bloggie,,

its already 12.30. and i dont know what im going to have for lunch. mum is out with big sis visiting grandma. i wanted to follow but mum wouldnt let so i also didnt go la. dah la tak dialu alukan.

im here again. dont know what am i going to crap but as im crapping this, soon or later i will be having something to say.

okay. lets see. maybe life wouldnt be that hard like what i thought. maybe life will be simple if i make it simple and consistent. think simple and less think about things that will never gonna be change. look at everything form the positive side and every perspective instead of one perspective. stop complaining and instead of complaining better i just keep my mouth shut and suck it up and just suit myself with it. if i know something that never gonna be change so why do i bother sulking about it. then if i could make some changes on my own why dont i make an effort to change everything to better. everything is about revolution. if we want something, we gonna go get it for ourselves. there's nothing come for free. its like how much effort u put on it, u will get the same in result. then maybe like that life wouldnt be that hard if we make it that way.

im only EIGHTEEN. and there's a lot waiting ahead for me. so if i didnt be strong enough to just get through all the difficulties im having now, i may not succeed and accomplished what i want in my life. i only will be a leech to my family and big fat loser who give up easily. everything in our life isnt just about ourselves. we shouldnt think just for ourselves. our life also involve around about our loved one especially our parents who works hard to support our studies just to see us succeed but somehow we always seems to forget about it and take everything for granted and think everything its about ourselves. and we always forget about them who is having high hopes on us and wish us well in everything and we take everything for granted and wasted everything just like that because we are big fat losers who are very selfish. so life isnt just about ourselves. so i should stop complaining how hard life is and just start being strong and go through it. and stop letting very small tiny thing get over me easily. yea. i should learn to prioritize. and at the same time try to have fun and stop being katak di bawah tempurung because my eighteen years old life is ending soon 3 months more =( . im going to be nineteen next year in 15 february 2010. and im not looking forward for it and im also not excited at all.

so life is actually fun and simple if we put it that way. dont take everything in life for granted. try to appreciate everything in our lives. work hard for what we want. its satisfying getting what we want after working our ass off for it.

ok. im done crapping here.

=.=

dear bloggie,,

i wanted to blog about something but suddenly i feel blank. i dont know what to say. and as i am crapping out these things i have something to say.

hols is going to end in less than a week. sem 2 is going to start. have to check in back to ilmu on sunday. maybe will be going back early because need to clean the house, rooms and everything. suddenly i started to be in my comfort zone already. i didnt feel like going uniten although before this im like semangat berkobar kobar to get back to uniten. i feel so scare to start sem 2. once the sem is start then everything will be happening so fast then suddenly, ey another sem over again. then i will be seating the bus back again from library after final exam thinking back about what did i do the whole sem.

hols is going to end and i didnt do much in my hols also. i feel my hols is just wasted like that. i didnt apreciate my hols and when i will be having hard time at uniten i will be thinking back about how much i wanted this hols and wish that i could get back my kononnya boring hols.

sem 2 is going to be hard. but i promise to myself that i will be gonna work much harder for sem 2. i didnt want to take anything for granted already. i will start being independent. waking up on my own with the help of alarm although i really hate to wake up with alarm ring in the morning. so annoying !! but as im only planning but i cannot make sure it will happen as i wish. i know. maybe i will like bersemangat to wake up early for the first few days but a few days later i will be lazy to wake early already. then i will always be having self conflict and mood swings at uniten. everything says only easy. but when its happen i will barely can breathe also. everything will pressured me till i feel like killing myself. studies, test, quiz, self conflict, eating problem, financial and etc. arrghh. im not excited to start sem 2 already. suddenly, i can see the harm what uniten can do to me. okay. lets look at the bright side. i can swim =). i have good housemates and friends there. what else. stupid slow and poor internet connection ? then fattening food that can make u have heart diseases by the age 30. arghh. i dont know. im not excited to get back to uniten already. uniten can harm u mentally and also physically. arggghhh. FUCK UNITEN !!

i dont want to get back to uniten !!!

im obese, fat, plump, short !!

dear bloggie,,

im getting fatter every each day now. and i cant see myself doing any effort to slim down besides blogging here complaining or complain to other people. arghhh !! everyone says im getting fatter. yea. i know and i feel so depressed. slimming down is like harder than calculus-ing. atleast u know hows your progress in calculus when u study calculus but when u try to slim down like 1 kg only, it will take for years.

i really fell depressed now. i hate it. oh gosh. its making me sad and really depress. i dont feel like buying clothes or trying on clothes because im fat ! im fat fat fat ! im a fat pig. i really want to slim down but i dont know how. argghhh. i think i need to get back to the cafe to work. but have to work for a month only get to can see the effect. arghhhh. this is killing me slowly inside of me. i really feel sad and depressed. arrrgghhh. why am i getting fatter !! the others didnt seem to get fatter also even though they stay at uniten and eating all those oily unhealthy food.

mummy !! i really want to slim down !. everyone says im fat. mummys says, meiyi says my arms look fatter, auntie says im short so i better keep fit now if not i will look horrible, poh teng asked me whether i have been eating alot lately, po says and even sonny also says. =( well, he didnt la exactly say that im fat but when i asked him he didnt answer me yes or no. so i know already la. if the people seriously think no they will definitely says no right ! arghhhh. im a fat piggy biatch now.

im so depress !! and i feel more depress when i see slim people ! arghh. i hate slim people. kill them !! then it wont timbulkan perasaan insecure and inferior feelings in obese people like me. pity people who are obese and fat u know. u dont know hows their feeling. but i know it very well. it really feels sad and depress.

i want to be slim.

dah la. stop complaining la. u know it wont get u any slimmer although u crap bertahun tahun at here. so go do some action la.

less talk, more action la fat biatch.

ok i need to ciao already. need to sleep early. will be going midv tomorrow with long lost found BFF, lawr. HAHA.

bye. i still feel sad and depress. =(

ps : hope liverpool will win the match tomorrow night. mu sucks !

i want this pair of boots !!

i want this pair of boots so badly !! plus they are in pink color !!
i want i want i want i want !!
arghhh !!
=(

simple steps to self respect !

Simple steps to self respect

• Set goals
• Exercise
• Love yourself
• Focus on fitness
• Rest and relax
• Eat right
• Soul search
• Play up the positive
• Enjoy life
• Care for others
• Talk yourself up!

found it somewhere from other blog.

should i or shouldnt i ?

dear bloggie,,

i feel like stop blogging. and i feel like deleting this blog. i dont know why. but i feel my blog is so stupid !! tak menarik also. i feel that i like to syok sendiri melebih only blogging too much about this la or that and my blog mainly about i talking crap yang really tak guna. and i also think i exposed too much about myself here. i tell my weaknesses here and now people know about it and using that against me. sometimes people also teased what i said here right to my face. like mengada punya orang. atleast i got the courage to tell my weaknesses out loud to the whole world.if u , u dare or not? bangang punya orang. and why do i want a blog if sometimes i dont feel like i got the freedom to crap what i wana say or meluahkan my perasaan. lots of things that i have keeping to myslef that i really want to tell it out loud but i cant because for the world peace sake. argghhh. why cant i tell it. if im telling it, im exposing myself again. u see. this blogging is making me in dilema. why do i blog also. why ? i dont know. to express my thought and spend my times like what am i doing now. or if not i will be lying down feeling bored. haiya. peduli apa lah. ikut suka hati only la. want to delete then delete only la. talk crap so much here for what. i think i should stop nuffnang-ing. i dont know. maybe la later i will delete all the stupid nuffnang ads from my blog. like menghodohkan only my blog and also like orang yang desperate and ingat blog sendiri hangat dikunjungi ramai. other blogger and nuffnang-ers please dont terasa. i was just saying myself only. ngek ngek ngek.

ok la. i ciao la. i also dont know what am i crapping here. i think i sasau already. arrrgggh. yea i think i sasau already. someone jangkit to me.

i gone sasau already la.bye.

cerita lapuk.

dear bloggie,,

im kind of lazy to blog nowadays. actually i kind of lazy sitting down at the chair facing the computer and online. thats why during this hols, i seldom online and blog as much like i used to. but im in the mood to blog tonight and after a few nights of always sleeping early, i plan to sleep late tonight and blog one whole night.

i havent report my life before this like how i always used to. haha.

lets rewind back to few weeks ago where all of u can only feel tension in the air.

its first start with physics test 2 after one week of raya hols if im not mistaken. the physics test 2 was on monday 8.30pm til 10pm. i still remember very well that i entered the exam hall dengan penuh semangat balik dengan penuh kecewa. the test was damn bloody hard like hell. i cant do much ques in that test. and that night i cried. and i called poh teng to meluahkan my feelings. i also can remember that week was like hell for me. i felt so tension and stressed for no reasons. i feel pressured by my surroundings and some stuff or conflicts in my heart that i have been keeping for quite some time an i cried alot. then on saturday had physics lab common test and i didnt go home for that week. i stayed at uniten to study for finals. then after that one whole week spent at the library busy calculus-ing and physics-ing with ning and sonny. my two companion for studying. thanks to these two people very much. they had helped me alot not only with my studies but also with my life. ngekngekngek. haha. then come the finals. eng paper was okie expect for the summary as i dont have any idea how to do the summary and how to start the summary also. thanks to eng lecturer who always cancelled classes and didnt even finish covering all the syllabus. he didnt teach us on how to do the summary but i just like main hentam on how to do the summary only. but i dont know whether i do it right or not and i didnt even count also how many words i wrote and i think i had exceeded 180 words already. calculus paper was okie i think. i dont know i skipped some questions and when the test over i start to worry whether will i manage to pass my calculus or not. on second day of the finals were physics and computing skill papers. physics paper is so bloody tough. i didnt answer lots of ques. i only like answer 7 short questions and main hentam answering two questions and didnt answer one question. in part b, i give up answering four questions. i only answer two questions. then the two questions got alot of sub questions that i didnt answer also. i really scared and worry la. i dont know if i can pass my physics or not. i just pray hard to god that i will pass. computing skill paper was i dont know. i main hentam alot and just crap alot. i really dont know. i feel so blur when doing that paper.

after the exam finished, i did feel kind of relieved but not totally relieved. i dont know. i just dont feel in the mood. and i also dont really feel in holiday mood. everyone's happy because sem break has officially started right after the exam over. but i dont know la. i dont know what i felt at that moment. i feel like kind of regret. i dont know. i also feel like kind of blur. i like huhh ? one sem has over just like that only arr? so fast. i feel regret for not studying hard the whole one sem. i hope that i take my studies seriously and not take everything for granted. if something just over like that in a very short term then whats the wrong if i just suffered for that just short term. okok. starting sem two i will start studying hard everyday. i wont tangguhkan everything till last minute again like i did and i will learn how to be organised and more independent.i shall stop depending too much on the others already. im not a baby. then on that night, went swimming with housmates. so long already didnt swim together.

so sem break hols officially started on wednesday. on wednesday i packed all my stuff and went home. i feel like kind of sad when leaving uniten. cant see .... for two weeks =(. i didnt even get to see ... for the last time also before leaving uniten.

okok. this is all. for dont know how many weeks of story that i didnt update.

the end.

im so bored !!!!

dear bloggie,,

im very bored right now. i really dont know what to do or what to start to do first. i should start unpacking my stuff and clear my messy room. i feel like hardly can take a deep breath in this room. i wonder why do i have a dull and unexciting ife like the others. my life is so boring. i cant go out much. mummy wouldnt let me. even like i go out once in this hols, she already said i went out so many times already. like huhhh ? crazy wan r. like that also consider alot. if go out then i have to have money but i dont have the money because im very brooke right now. then, dont ever bother think of asking mummy. i know what she will say. then if got money got no transport. then if everything settle, there is no one to go out with me. everyone is busy with their life. no one bother to catch up with me =(. i know i sound very pathetic and i am pathetic. my life is so dull. i feel so sleepy already. see. what i can do one whole day is just sleep, sleep and sleep. then by this way, my day will pass fast so i wont feel the boredom so much. ok lets start appreciate the hols. see what i can do much to help myself and mummy. thats what mummy wants right. want me just to stay at home 24/7 helping her or being her good obedient nerdy child study one whole day. yeah. that day she told me that and she ask me to be a nerd so that i can get better marks. crazy la she. nerds doesnt mean clever. if bookworms yes la.

what am i suppose to do now ? i dont know la. i really feel bored. what i did in these few days is just sleeping and listen to air supply songs. right now i kind of into all these olides songs. i like air supply, bee gees, the carpenters and stevie wonder. their songs are great. when i was in high school, i found all these kind og songs in big sis lappie and start listening to it. but then i think all these songs are yuck. haha. but then now, i changed my mind. i think all these song are great. only classy people appreciate and listen to classic and oldies music. =)

i feel so bored ! ok ok. i go and start unpack my stuff right now. i will be back to crap again later.

bye.

i seriously given up !!

dear bloggie,,

after for days searching for new blogskin and i cannot find any, i GIVE UP !!. guess that i need to stick with this blogskin forever or change back to the typical blogger template. so i just stick with this one only rather than using the blogger template that is very unattractive. it's really frustrating la cant find the blogskin that we realy wanted. whenever we click the pages with high hopes hoping to find the blogskin that we really like but then in the end u will just end up feeling disappointed.

currently, im very lazy to blog. not really in the mood and obsses to blog like last time. my brain has run up of ideas which will never happen before. i've been very lazy ever since the sem break holiday started. all i've been doing is just sleep, sleep, sleep, eat, eat, eat, and more sleep. yeah. i know i sound like a pig. i sleep early in the night and wake up late in the morning and when i woke from sleep, i will staright away go to attack my kitchen and grab whatever foos i can reached like orang gila tak makan for days. even after onlining doing nothing much for like fifteen minutes, i will feel sleepy and faster run to bed and sleep. yeah. i know i sound like a total pig.

i didnt even unpack my stuff yet after coming back from uniten. the room is so messy. hall is so dirty. need to clean it up soon. especially my messy room. if depends on meiyi while i was away to clean the room, u need a miracle to happen. she pun another pig yang kononnya nak spm this year couldnt be bother much to clean the room. whenevr u ask her why didnt she clean the room, she will answer the room is not dirty pun. zzzz. so tak payah la nak harap on her.

should i write down a list of what i should so during hols. i dont know. i feel that my hols is very boring and u know what. i cant wait to get back to uniten. yeah, i know i sound like orang tak tahu bersyukur ada holiday for two weeks tak tahu nak hargai. but i really do miss uniten. and i feel so enthusiastic to start sem 2. better than the semangat i first enter uniten la. like dengan hati yang tak rela. i dont know why. but i miss uniten so much already. i also very miss ilmu, my hostel. and i kind of scared to start the new sem. sem 2 will be much harder. i wonder can i even survive or not. i dont know. and my new timetables sucks !! all my classes starts at 8 early in the morning and i have 3 hours class on fri !!! thats mean i have to wake up on 7. then i dont have any friends in my new class. except rooben, the super tall guy, sonny friend, that one also same phy class only. im so jealous of sulee, ahbui and sonny. they all in the same class.arrrggghhhhh!! not fair !!! ning ning also not in the same class with me. i wonder whether i can survive or not without her. but kind of good also what not in the same class with them. if i want to skipped class not like anyone will scold me or know. HAHA. then its also my chance to learn how to stand on my own feet and stop depending on people too much like how i did in sem 1. i keep on depend on ning ning, sonny and boon chuan. for god sake la, they also need to take care for themselves, then need to take care of me pulak. so menyusahkan people only la me. always become people burden only. okok. sem 2 i will start studying hard, rajin go class and do all the homeworks like tutor. hope i will do what i say.

okok. enough with all these crap.
i feel like eating again !! bye.

so frustrating la !!!

dear bloggie,,

i feel so frustrated right now !! why cant i find any nice blogskin. arghhh. i feel so frust. i've been searching for new blogskin for one whole day already and i cant find any. arghhh. u see. i've been refused to blog for the past few days although there its lots in my mind and lots of uppdates in my life, but i dont feel the urge to blog whenever i open my unattractive blog. so, blogskin do influence my mood to blog. i dont know how on earth also i can use this blogskin. i prefer my robotic blogskin better. i want it back !! i dont know whether i still keep its file or not.

ok, there's been lots of things happen in my life lately. i dont have the time to blog in these few weeks because of final exams. studies had occupied most of my times and the place where u only can find and see me is the library. i will be at library from day to night busy calculus-ing or physics-ing. glad its over already. but now my main concern is can i pass ?. the moment im doing the exam papers i already know whow well i do or how bad i do. and all i know is i did very badly. im very worry for my physics.

ok la. i will blog about this later. i feel so dizzy right now. and i still feel kind of frustrated that i cannot find the blogskin i wanted.

*end*

it's gorgor birthday

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY
BOON CHUAN GOR GOR !!!!

sorry because i didnt give u any suprise. i really feel like adik yang tak guna. im so sorry !!!

hope that u enjoy your 18th birthday and get whatever u had wished.

i will be giving your present later. the longer u wait the bigger the present. sorry for keeping u waiting long. kind of broke right now. im sorry that i didnt give u any suprise. hope that u enjoyed your 18th birthday. =)

hope that u are happy always and come no matter what, u will get through it. =)

u see. im writing in blue. u like blue color right? ngekngekngek. ;p

=(

dear bloggie,,

i hate when this is always happening.

when u thought u have everything in the world and start feeling very grateful of it, then suddenly everything starts to disappear and u left with nothing.

when u thought u' re already on top of the world, come whatever and no matter whatever circumstances, u will manage to overcome it but then something far more worst than u expected come crushing u just like that making u feel like a big fat loser and failure and u feel like giving up only.

when u are feeling down, there is nothing u can do besides be patient, strong and keep telling yourself that
everything is going to be fine, but then u waited and waited but there is nothing happen and things just get even more worst.

when u try to be strong but there is nothing helpful and u feel so hopeless and alone.

when u thought someone got your back, then come no matter what, u know that the person will always have your back but then suddenly the one person just started missing like that. and when u feeling down, the person is not there for u anymore.

when u think that u are happy but actually deep deep in your heart u know that u are actually very unhappy.

when every night u try to sleep, but then when u cant sleep u start to think of unhappy things and u start to cry yourself to sleep.

when u feel like u love the person so much, but then the person put u down.

when u hate to be emo and try to stop being emo but u cant because u let the feeling get over yourself.

yea, i know that this post is very emo. but this what i really felt right now. and i feel like crying when im blogging about this. i really miss u and u. where are u? why u guys no more longer be with me like how u always do. i really need your support now. im feeling down to the maximum already. nearly thinking of dying already. if u know who u are, i hope u know how i feel now and i really NEED u right now especially NOW.

*end*

pet society is fun

dear bloggie,,

i like to play pet society very muchie right now and im obsess with my own pet. her name is aggy and i dont know what she should be. whether a cat or dog or a cute bear. i dont know. i have no idea. i just created her and she is pink in color. and if u know me well, im like kind of into pink color stuff.

now im back to uniten already its like kind of hard to play pet society here because the internet connection here very slow. so i cannot play pet society here. and my aggy is very broke. i dont how should i earn more coins. what i normally do to earn more coins are like doing the tasks, playing ball, skipping rope and throwing frisbee. how am i supposed to earn more money beside all these?. i want to buy more fancy pink color stuff, furniture and clothes for aggy. when i see other pets houses and clothing are nicer, i feel jealous.

okok. some pics of aggy from pet society album. im like rajin take her pics. i dont know why. hehe.















i also like to pics of her especially when she is falling down. haha. evil owner. shee looks very cute. i feel like squeezing and pinching her la. the way she giggle is also very cute.

my aggy is so cute =)

*end*

stuff that i need to let it out loud

dear bloggie,,

every time when i wanted to post something i dont what title i should write. again. this is just another crap. what title i should write. i used crappy post title alot of time so i had to think something new. but i dont know. fuck the title la. can i just left it blank. no. the post will be nicer with a title. whatever, i'll figure it out later.

ok. lets see. i've been feeling so moody nowadays. not that im feeling mad at someone or someone make me moody. i dont know, the feeling is just there. i think i know why. its because i have depression. i think i depreesed myself too much but i cant stop because all the voices in my brain. yea, i know. i sound like a pesakit yang baru larikan diri dari hospital sakit jiwa. but i dont know why i feel so moody nowadays. i let everything get over me so easily like today, just because i wanting to squeez all meiyi's blackhead from her face, but she doesnt want me to, then im like merajuk with her nak balik uniten tonight. she always got this kind of tak sampai hati feeling whenever im going back to uniten so im using that against her. but then i tak jadi wana go back tonight because big sis is using the car tonight. so maybe, im going back tomorrow night. i dont know. well depends la. maybe later tomorrow morning after wake up from sleep, i forget about everything already. i dont know. but actually somehow i dont know why i really cant wait to get back to uniten. i miss my hostel so much. i dont know why. and i've bought tikar plastic to put in the hall so that afternoon i can sleep in the hall, and i bought lots of foods already and i cant wait to put it to the kitchen cupboard and i dont know what else. im also kind of miss my housemates. i cant wait to see them. subulee, ningning and da pei gu a.k. fuibuiling ! HAHA. i dont know why i like to call fuiling names but i like. i called her ahbui, ling ling, da pei gu and pat po. i cant remember of what any name i call her already.and i called her boyfriend ahlong and i claim that her boyfriend is working ahlong. omg. i miss her so much. i miss my second family.

actually i wanted to go back to uniten beacuse i want to have sometime being alone. i dont know why is my brain feel so disturbed and feeling moody all the time. thats why, i want to find some peace by being alone like all by myself and no one else.

now im having a very big self conflict in me that is my weight problem. im so hating my body. now i look like human yangtidak boleh dikenalpasti whether im a girl or boy because of my mohawk hairstyle but then when u see my boobs u will know that im a girl who is tomboy which IM NOT. i just happen to like to cut short hair only. thats all. i dont know why during holidays i always tend to cut hair.especially when i see aggy.okok. enough with the hair issue. now im a girl who have very short hair, maybe i look almost bald from my side, super chubby face like pear shape, big boobs, obnoxious things yang sangat berlemak, short legs and tiny feets. what else do i miss. nothing already?. im only 156cm u see. i always think that when im growing taller, my body will look fine but until now i have waited, i still didnt grow any taller. so i give up on my height. instead of hoping to grow taller, better i go slim myself down. currently i weigh 53 kg already. last time i weigh 50 kg when im working. i want to slim down to 45 kg if i manage la. if i dont 48 is also enough. wow, i need slim down 5 kg arhh ? haiyo need to put in alot of work la. how wana diet la?. the food at uniten is so friggin unhealthy. i think starting monday, i will be eating maggi or spaghetti only. no more outside foods already. then i also can save my money. haiya. i say only because when after class i will be like so super hungry like orang tak makan for 5 days and cant wait to get home to eat then i will go coe foodcourt and attack all the gerai there. how ? if i want to get back to home to eat i have to wait till two. if i dont wait to get back to home, i will eat at 11 because i have an hour break at 11. how la. can tahan meh till two ? i dont know. maybe can gua. orhh lunch eat outside dinner just eat maggi. cannot la. not intensive enough la my diet. im trying to cut down 5 kg from my weight. haiyaya.

im so dead la now. physics test is on monday night. its like another 3 days more from now. i still havent study chapter 9 and 10 finish yet. i dont know why am i like kind of lazy to study these two chapters. i've been dragging to start studying chapter 9 since the pass three days. i dont know why. these two chapters la is the hardest. dah tahu hard start la study hard on this chapter. then when during exam cannot answer question, balik rumah emo sampai nak separuh mati. very stupid la me. dont know how to priotise things sometime.

okok. i have done crapping here. back to my physics study now.
bye.

fuck today

dear bloggie,,

im so lazy want to blog nowadays. i got lots in my mind that i need to pour out but i cant because im too busy either with my physics study or onlining siang siang hari entah buat pape. if im not studying i will be out somewhere la with mum. im not allowed to go out with friends because mummy said i spend too much already. she is like really really angry whenever i talk about money so i dont dare to argue with her about going out. dala if go out also need to ask money again, then she will be more furious la. like today, i just said i wana cut hair only then she like haaa. spend money again !!!! so im only allowed to go out when she is going somewhere. better la. can spend money at the same time without asking her money.

haiyo. today is a stupid day. lets see why. morning i woke with uneasy feelings. then i see mummy and papa are not in good mood then my mood also spoiled because i will be going with them later but then their mood like that also dont feel like going out. if not because i need to print out my cmpf assingment and buy cd i will definitely wont be going out. then later when having lunch at somewhere i mistakenly take pork because i thought it was chicken. then papa like looked at me so angrily because pork and chicken pun tak tahu nak differentiate ke ahmoi !!! haiyoyo. then im like so panicked because once taken already u cannot put it back. then lucky mummy and meiyi saved me. they help me to eat the bloody pork la and i went to order chow kuey teow because mummy dont want to help me to order and she asked me to order it myself. she said im big enough and need to learn how to survive at chinese people world where all the chinese only speak chinese. then im budak bangan gila sial tak guna mother language pun tak tahu nak cakap like terhegeh hegeh trying to tell the guy that i want char kuey teow only put kuey teow. that guy like give me a weird look and said okok. then suddenly he come to me he give me bungkus char kuey teow. that make papa even more irritated with me. then this meiyi suddenly like make my life harder suddenly say wana cut hair then suddenly say dont want cut. then im like haiyo want cut just cut only la. think so much for what. then finally she cut it lor. then i also get my mohawk haircut and i feel happy about it. i've been wanting mohawk haircut for so long but i didnt dare to cut it because of some particular reasons like i scared my face look too fat or i wanted to keep long hair back and whatsoever la. finally i fuck all these reasons and just go ahead to cut mohawk ! and im liking so very muchie. why didnt i cut it a long time ago.

then when im back home i took a nap because i slept last night of studying physics and woke early this morning. then when i woke up from sleep big sis is like so irritating and i dont know what is her damn problem like tiba tiba je. then im like so hating her in my heart and pergi makan hati sorang sorang kat bilik. when already 6 i came out to watch chinese drama. then went out for dinner at sg.chua. ate till like so bloody full and i feel like vomiting. but i cant and i had to force myself to eat finish because if not all the food will be wasted.

then just now im like makan hati alone again because cant get to use the internet again. then i finally protest and i get to use it then when im using it happily, tiba tiba ada orang bangan sial gila nak mampus suddenly spoil my mood. the people punya perangai macam cibai betul la. im so pissed right now.

and im also pissed because i didnt chat with my orang sial at all today. like everyday we will talk to each other. where is my orang sial ni ??

i dont know why am i tend to speak malay and i dont know why i feel so irritated when there is unknown people left me message at my chatbox padahal my closed one yang hari hari datang see me emo pun tak bother left some message to ask me to cheer up except boon chuan. u all semua tak guna la. no offense here but seriously la. and i really really hate to see unknown people left me message at my chatbox. i dont know why. i do want more people to come to my blog but then when some unknown people left me message i feel so annoyed. why huhh ?? im so bloody weird la. even me myself dont get what i want sometimes.

haiyo whatever la.im so pissing. where is my orang sial ??!!.

useless me !!!

im a useless selfish brat who only think of my needs and always prioritized myself first.

omg.im turning into a shopaholic !