i woke up this morning hoping that it was just a dream.
however, its not no matter how much i wanted it to be.
i was thinking is it for real ??
the reality just hit me again .
its a fact and cannot be change.
i have to learn to accept it.
what can i do is look forward and concentrate on the future and do better next time.
but still, i feel so disappointed and angry with myself.
what went wrong ?
everything went wrong.
i dont know how to face it again in the future.





bye

im such a big failure .

(fullstop)

IM SO EMO

dear bloggie,,

im feeling so emo right now. i dont know why. i wanted say something but i cant. too private already. but somehow i wanted say it out loud. im so tired of this already. and i wont cry about it any more. its so confusing. im so confuse. i dont know what's in my mind. i feel so lost. i wanted to run and escape from everything but i cant. i have to be strong and face it. im a grown up girl already. no more running away from things and problems.

big sigh. seriously. i really feel emo right now. nothing can make my mood feels better. even IF sulee give me a very big gift from london, nothing gonna change. HAHA. ( hint for u, subulee. HAHA )

18 years of living and i have not accomplished much that I can be proud of. i always think that i grow up too fast but i mature too slow. when u know me, u will know that im a very immature biatch kononnya act independent and baik hati but actually im not. i dont know. im not proud of who i am today. i always do actions that harm and hurt my people surround me. i think i burden people's life too much also. especially my family and friends. there's nothing that i do in the past 18 years make me proud of who i am. im not happy with who i am. im wanting to change but somehow, something held me to be who i am always. i tend to do stupid things and i never seems to get why. my thinking is always impaired at all time. i dont think i appreciate myself and my life like how the others do. i think i've wasted my life. and sometimes, i think i being too selfish till i end up harming myself. i feel like running away from myself. myself is harming me too much already. and i think i gonna be psychotic biatch locked in tanjung rambutan plucking flowers petals saying he loves me, he loves me not. seriously. that's what im imagine right now.

i dont know. im feeling so emo. something make me emo. and i feel stupid. again. my stupidity is shown to the whole world.

u've seen another stupidity from me.

bye.

random post

dear bloggie,,

its already 2.40 am. and im still awake. i dont know why am i dont feel like sleeping. i do feel like sleepy and tired also but i dont know. something held me awake.

i dont know how to say this but i feel worry. too many thoughts in my brain now. well, i cant really say what's it about but im feeling worry. i dont know why am i worry and i hope i can stop worry. there's no point of worrying also right ? i dont know. but im feeling curious and worry sick !! i dont know.

ok. hols going to end soon in few days. i suddenly cant wait to get back to uniten. i dont know why. the few days before im like not wanting to go back at all. i know im weird. i always change my mind. maybe later a few days i will say i dont want the hols to end. blablabla. all those shit that i usually crap la. i cant wait to get a fresh kick start. and this sem, seriously, i wont be such a lazy bump any more. i will start to wash my clothes instead of bringing back to wash, wake on my own, do all the tutorial ques and WONT SKIP CLASS !!

suddenly im wondering. how come my post always long. i suddenly feel pity the my blog reader. have to menderita read so long. i also tak sangka that i can write that long. im not aware also that im crapping that much.

i suddenly feel blank. im not really in the mood to blog right now. there's too much in my brain. but not the things that i can say out loud. and i also dont even know whats in my brain. i just feel like my brain is thinking hard right now. yea i know. im weird.

im such a weirdo. bye.

in the crappy mood

dear bloggie,,

its already 12.30. and i dont know what im going to have for lunch. mum is out with big sis visiting grandma. i wanted to follow but mum wouldnt let so i also didnt go la. dah la tak dialu alukan.

im here again. dont know what am i going to crap but as im crapping this, soon or later i will be having something to say.

okay. lets see. maybe life wouldnt be that hard like what i thought. maybe life will be simple if i make it simple and consistent. think simple and less think about things that will never gonna be change. look at everything form the positive side and every perspective instead of one perspective. stop complaining and instead of complaining better i just keep my mouth shut and suck it up and just suit myself with it. if i know something that never gonna be change so why do i bother sulking about it. then if i could make some changes on my own why dont i make an effort to change everything to better. everything is about revolution. if we want something, we gonna go get it for ourselves. there's nothing come for free. its like how much effort u put on it, u will get the same in result. then maybe like that life wouldnt be that hard if we make it that way.

im only EIGHTEEN. and there's a lot waiting ahead for me. so if i didnt be strong enough to just get through all the difficulties im having now, i may not succeed and accomplished what i want in my life. i only will be a leech to my family and big fat loser who give up easily. everything in our life isnt just about ourselves. we shouldnt think just for ourselves. our life also involve around about our loved one especially our parents who works hard to support our studies just to see us succeed but somehow we always seems to forget about it and take everything for granted and think everything its about ourselves. and we always forget about them who is having high hopes on us and wish us well in everything and we take everything for granted and wasted everything just like that because we are big fat losers who are very selfish. so life isnt just about ourselves. so i should stop complaining how hard life is and just start being strong and go through it. and stop letting very small tiny thing get over me easily. yea. i should learn to prioritize. and at the same time try to have fun and stop being katak di bawah tempurung because my eighteen years old life is ending soon 3 months more =( . im going to be nineteen next year in 15 february 2010. and im not looking forward for it and im also not excited at all.

so life is actually fun and simple if we put it that way. dont take everything in life for granted. try to appreciate everything in our lives. work hard for what we want. its satisfying getting what we want after working our ass off for it.

ok. im done crapping here.

=.=

dear bloggie,,

i wanted to blog about something but suddenly i feel blank. i dont know what to say. and as i am crapping out these things i have something to say.

hols is going to end in less than a week. sem 2 is going to start. have to check in back to ilmu on sunday. maybe will be going back early because need to clean the house, rooms and everything. suddenly i started to be in my comfort zone already. i didnt feel like going uniten although before this im like semangat berkobar kobar to get back to uniten. i feel so scare to start sem 2. once the sem is start then everything will be happening so fast then suddenly, ey another sem over again. then i will be seating the bus back again from library after final exam thinking back about what did i do the whole sem.

hols is going to end and i didnt do much in my hols also. i feel my hols is just wasted like that. i didnt apreciate my hols and when i will be having hard time at uniten i will be thinking back about how much i wanted this hols and wish that i could get back my kononnya boring hols.

sem 2 is going to be hard. but i promise to myself that i will be gonna work much harder for sem 2. i didnt want to take anything for granted already. i will start being independent. waking up on my own with the help of alarm although i really hate to wake up with alarm ring in the morning. so annoying !! but as im only planning but i cannot make sure it will happen as i wish. i know. maybe i will like bersemangat to wake up early for the first few days but a few days later i will be lazy to wake early already. then i will always be having self conflict and mood swings at uniten. everything says only easy. but when its happen i will barely can breathe also. everything will pressured me till i feel like killing myself. studies, test, quiz, self conflict, eating problem, financial and etc. arrghh. im not excited to start sem 2 already. suddenly, i can see the harm what uniten can do to me. okay. lets look at the bright side. i can swim =). i have good housemates and friends there. what else. stupid slow and poor internet connection ? then fattening food that can make u have heart diseases by the age 30. arghh. i dont know. im not excited to get back to uniten already. uniten can harm u mentally and also physically. arggghhh. FUCK UNITEN !!

i dont want to get back to uniten !!!

im obese, fat, plump, short !!

dear bloggie,,

im getting fatter every each day now. and i cant see myself doing any effort to slim down besides blogging here complaining or complain to other people. arghhh !! everyone says im getting fatter. yea. i know and i feel so depressed. slimming down is like harder than calculus-ing. atleast u know hows your progress in calculus when u study calculus but when u try to slim down like 1 kg only, it will take for years.

i really fell depressed now. i hate it. oh gosh. its making me sad and really depress. i dont feel like buying clothes or trying on clothes because im fat ! im fat fat fat ! im a fat pig. i really want to slim down but i dont know how. argghhh. i think i need to get back to the cafe to work. but have to work for a month only get to can see the effect. arghhhh. this is killing me slowly inside of me. i really feel sad and depressed. arrrgghhh. why am i getting fatter !! the others didnt seem to get fatter also even though they stay at uniten and eating all those oily unhealthy food.

mummy !! i really want to slim down !. everyone says im fat. mummys says, meiyi says my arms look fatter, auntie says im short so i better keep fit now if not i will look horrible, poh teng asked me whether i have been eating alot lately, po says and even sonny also says. =( well, he didnt la exactly say that im fat but when i asked him he didnt answer me yes or no. so i know already la. if the people seriously think no they will definitely says no right ! arghhhh. im a fat piggy biatch now.

im so depress !! and i feel more depress when i see slim people ! arghh. i hate slim people. kill them !! then it wont timbulkan perasaan insecure and inferior feelings in obese people like me. pity people who are obese and fat u know. u dont know hows their feeling. but i know it very well. it really feels sad and depress.

i want to be slim.

dah la. stop complaining la. u know it wont get u any slimmer although u crap bertahun tahun at here. so go do some action la.

less talk, more action la fat biatch.

ok i need to ciao already. need to sleep early. will be going midv tomorrow with long lost found BFF, lawr. HAHA.

bye. i still feel sad and depress. =(

ps : hope liverpool will win the match tomorrow night. mu sucks !

i want this pair of boots !!

i want this pair of boots so badly !! plus they are in pink color !!
i want i want i want i want !!
arghhh !!
=(

simple steps to self respect !

Simple steps to self respect

• Set goals
• Exercise
• Love yourself
• Focus on fitness
• Rest and relax
• Eat right
• Soul search
• Play up the positive
• Enjoy life
• Care for others
• Talk yourself up!

found it somewhere from other blog.

should i or shouldnt i ?

dear bloggie,,

i feel like stop blogging. and i feel like deleting this blog. i dont know why. but i feel my blog is so stupid !! tak menarik also. i feel that i like to syok sendiri melebih only blogging too much about this la or that and my blog mainly about i talking crap yang really tak guna. and i also think i exposed too much about myself here. i tell my weaknesses here and now people know about it and using that against me. sometimes people also teased what i said here right to my face. like mengada punya orang. atleast i got the courage to tell my weaknesses out loud to the whole world.if u , u dare or not? bangang punya orang. and why do i want a blog if sometimes i dont feel like i got the freedom to crap what i wana say or meluahkan my perasaan. lots of things that i have keeping to myslef that i really want to tell it out loud but i cant because for the world peace sake. argghhh. why cant i tell it. if im telling it, im exposing myself again. u see. this blogging is making me in dilema. why do i blog also. why ? i dont know. to express my thought and spend my times like what am i doing now. or if not i will be lying down feeling bored. haiya. peduli apa lah. ikut suka hati only la. want to delete then delete only la. talk crap so much here for what. i think i should stop nuffnang-ing. i dont know. maybe la later i will delete all the stupid nuffnang ads from my blog. like menghodohkan only my blog and also like orang yang desperate and ingat blog sendiri hangat dikunjungi ramai. other blogger and nuffnang-ers please dont terasa. i was just saying myself only. ngek ngek ngek.

ok la. i ciao la. i also dont know what am i crapping here. i think i sasau already. arrrgggh. yea i think i sasau already. someone jangkit to me.

i gone sasau already la.bye.

cerita lapuk.

dear bloggie,,

im kind of lazy to blog nowadays. actually i kind of lazy sitting down at the chair facing the computer and online. thats why during this hols, i seldom online and blog as much like i used to. but im in the mood to blog tonight and after a few nights of always sleeping early, i plan to sleep late tonight and blog one whole night.

i havent report my life before this like how i always used to. haha.

lets rewind back to few weeks ago where all of u can only feel tension in the air.

its first start with physics test 2 after one week of raya hols if im not mistaken. the physics test 2 was on monday 8.30pm til 10pm. i still remember very well that i entered the exam hall dengan penuh semangat balik dengan penuh kecewa. the test was damn bloody hard like hell. i cant do much ques in that test. and that night i cried. and i called poh teng to meluahkan my feelings. i also can remember that week was like hell for me. i felt so tension and stressed for no reasons. i feel pressured by my surroundings and some stuff or conflicts in my heart that i have been keeping for quite some time an i cried alot. then on saturday had physics lab common test and i didnt go home for that week. i stayed at uniten to study for finals. then after that one whole week spent at the library busy calculus-ing and physics-ing with ning and sonny. my two companion for studying. thanks to these two people very much. they had helped me alot not only with my studies but also with my life. ngekngekngek. haha. then come the finals. eng paper was okie expect for the summary as i dont have any idea how to do the summary and how to start the summary also. thanks to eng lecturer who always cancelled classes and didnt even finish covering all the syllabus. he didnt teach us on how to do the summary but i just like main hentam on how to do the summary only. but i dont know whether i do it right or not and i didnt even count also how many words i wrote and i think i had exceeded 180 words already. calculus paper was okie i think. i dont know i skipped some questions and when the test over i start to worry whether will i manage to pass my calculus or not. on second day of the finals were physics and computing skill papers. physics paper is so bloody tough. i didnt answer lots of ques. i only like answer 7 short questions and main hentam answering two questions and didnt answer one question. in part b, i give up answering four questions. i only answer two questions. then the two questions got alot of sub questions that i didnt answer also. i really scared and worry la. i dont know if i can pass my physics or not. i just pray hard to god that i will pass. computing skill paper was i dont know. i main hentam alot and just crap alot. i really dont know. i feel so blur when doing that paper.

after the exam finished, i did feel kind of relieved but not totally relieved. i dont know. i just dont feel in the mood. and i also dont really feel in holiday mood. everyone's happy because sem break has officially started right after the exam over. but i dont know la. i dont know what i felt at that moment. i feel like kind of regret. i dont know. i also feel like kind of blur. i like huhh ? one sem has over just like that only arr? so fast. i feel regret for not studying hard the whole one sem. i hope that i take my studies seriously and not take everything for granted. if something just over like that in a very short term then whats the wrong if i just suffered for that just short term. okok. starting sem two i will start studying hard everyday. i wont tangguhkan everything till last minute again like i did and i will learn how to be organised and more independent.i shall stop depending too much on the others already. im not a baby. then on that night, went swimming with housmates. so long already didnt swim together.

so sem break hols officially started on wednesday. on wednesday i packed all my stuff and went home. i feel like kind of sad when leaving uniten. cant see .... for two weeks =(. i didnt even get to see ... for the last time also before leaving uniten.

okok. this is all. for dont know how many weeks of story that i didnt update.

the end.

im so bored !!!!

dear bloggie,,

im very bored right now. i really dont know what to do or what to start to do first. i should start unpacking my stuff and clear my messy room. i feel like hardly can take a deep breath in this room. i wonder why do i have a dull and unexciting ife like the others. my life is so boring. i cant go out much. mummy wouldnt let me. even like i go out once in this hols, she already said i went out so many times already. like huhhh ? crazy wan r. like that also consider alot. if go out then i have to have money but i dont have the money because im very brooke right now. then, dont ever bother think of asking mummy. i know what she will say. then if got money got no transport. then if everything settle, there is no one to go out with me. everyone is busy with their life. no one bother to catch up with me =(. i know i sound very pathetic and i am pathetic. my life is so dull. i feel so sleepy already. see. what i can do one whole day is just sleep, sleep and sleep. then by this way, my day will pass fast so i wont feel the boredom so much. ok lets start appreciate the hols. see what i can do much to help myself and mummy. thats what mummy wants right. want me just to stay at home 24/7 helping her or being her good obedient nerdy child study one whole day. yeah. that day she told me that and she ask me to be a nerd so that i can get better marks. crazy la she. nerds doesnt mean clever. if bookworms yes la.

what am i suppose to do now ? i dont know la. i really feel bored. what i did in these few days is just sleeping and listen to air supply songs. right now i kind of into all these olides songs. i like air supply, bee gees, the carpenters and stevie wonder. their songs are great. when i was in high school, i found all these kind og songs in big sis lappie and start listening to it. but then i think all these songs are yuck. haha. but then now, i changed my mind. i think all these song are great. only classy people appreciate and listen to classic and oldies music. =)

i feel so bored ! ok ok. i go and start unpack my stuff right now. i will be back to crap again later.

bye.

i seriously given up !!

dear bloggie,,

after for days searching for new blogskin and i cannot find any, i GIVE UP !!. guess that i need to stick with this blogskin forever or change back to the typical blogger template. so i just stick with this one only rather than using the blogger template that is very unattractive. it's really frustrating la cant find the blogskin that we realy wanted. whenever we click the pages with high hopes hoping to find the blogskin that we really like but then in the end u will just end up feeling disappointed.

currently, im very lazy to blog. not really in the mood and obsses to blog like last time. my brain has run up of ideas which will never happen before. i've been very lazy ever since the sem break holiday started. all i've been doing is just sleep, sleep, sleep, eat, eat, eat, and more sleep. yeah. i know i sound like a pig. i sleep early in the night and wake up late in the morning and when i woke from sleep, i will staright away go to attack my kitchen and grab whatever foos i can reached like orang gila tak makan for days. even after onlining doing nothing much for like fifteen minutes, i will feel sleepy and faster run to bed and sleep. yeah. i know i sound like a total pig.

i didnt even unpack my stuff yet after coming back from uniten. the room is so messy. hall is so dirty. need to clean it up soon. especially my messy room. if depends on meiyi while i was away to clean the room, u need a miracle to happen. she pun another pig yang kononnya nak spm this year couldnt be bother much to clean the room. whenevr u ask her why didnt she clean the room, she will answer the room is not dirty pun. zzzz. so tak payah la nak harap on her.

should i write down a list of what i should so during hols. i dont know. i feel that my hols is very boring and u know what. i cant wait to get back to uniten. yeah, i know i sound like orang tak tahu bersyukur ada holiday for two weeks tak tahu nak hargai. but i really do miss uniten. and i feel so enthusiastic to start sem 2. better than the semangat i first enter uniten la. like dengan hati yang tak rela. i dont know why. but i miss uniten so much already. i also very miss ilmu, my hostel. and i kind of scared to start the new sem. sem 2 will be much harder. i wonder can i even survive or not. i dont know. and my new timetables sucks !! all my classes starts at 8 early in the morning and i have 3 hours class on fri !!! thats mean i have to wake up on 7. then i dont have any friends in my new class. except rooben, the super tall guy, sonny friend, that one also same phy class only. im so jealous of sulee, ahbui and sonny. they all in the same class.arrrggghhhhh!! not fair !!! ning ning also not in the same class with me. i wonder whether i can survive or not without her. but kind of good also what not in the same class with them. if i want to skipped class not like anyone will scold me or know. HAHA. then its also my chance to learn how to stand on my own feet and stop depending on people too much like how i did in sem 1. i keep on depend on ning ning, sonny and boon chuan. for god sake la, they also need to take care for themselves, then need to take care of me pulak. so menyusahkan people only la me. always become people burden only. okok. sem 2 i will start studying hard, rajin go class and do all the homeworks like tutor. hope i will do what i say.

okok. enough with all these crap.
i feel like eating again !! bye.

so frustrating la !!!

dear bloggie,,

i feel so frustrated right now !! why cant i find any nice blogskin. arghhh. i feel so frust. i've been searching for new blogskin for one whole day already and i cant find any. arghhh. u see. i've been refused to blog for the past few days although there its lots in my mind and lots of uppdates in my life, but i dont feel the urge to blog whenever i open my unattractive blog. so, blogskin do influence my mood to blog. i dont know how on earth also i can use this blogskin. i prefer my robotic blogskin better. i want it back !! i dont know whether i still keep its file or not.

ok, there's been lots of things happen in my life lately. i dont have the time to blog in these few weeks because of final exams. studies had occupied most of my times and the place where u only can find and see me is the library. i will be at library from day to night busy calculus-ing or physics-ing. glad its over already. but now my main concern is can i pass ?. the moment im doing the exam papers i already know whow well i do or how bad i do. and all i know is i did very badly. im very worry for my physics.

ok la. i will blog about this later. i feel so dizzy right now. and i still feel kind of frustrated that i cannot find the blogskin i wanted.

*end*